


False sensations

by Smallthingwrites



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Don't Like Don't Read, Gen, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda?, Major character death - Freeform, More like reference to Shiro dying and being in the void, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overstimulation, Shiro (Voltron) Angst, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sick Character, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Vomiting, as always
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smallthingwrites/pseuds/Smallthingwrites
Summary: I randomly remembered that Shiro had a hallucination in season 1 Crystal Venom and decided to add to that since the authors did not. I was kinda disappointed to see that this isn't a really big thing in the fandom since hallucinations are a really big deal, especially vivid ones you can interact with like his was. Oh well, I guess if you want to read something, you should write it yourself.
Relationships: Past Shiro/Adam (Voltron)
Comments: 47
Kudos: 20





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a prologue. I'm going to be writing more chapters after this.

The first time it happened, Shiro wasn't quite sure what it was really. He had gone a few days of isolation in his cell without much food or water. He kept trying to think of ways to calm himself, ways to keep sane so that he can get back to Earth. Except there was a lack of food, water, and sun. That wasn't that good. He couldn't do exercises since he was trying to not to waste any energy doing non essential activities. Eventually he ended up sitting in a corner drawing things in the dirt. 

The first few things he drew were random doodles, he tried to remember what his brother and mother looked like when he last saw them. He tried drawing animals from Earth, like cows. Eventually he got too disappointed in his art skills and went to drawing random Kanji on the floor so he doesn't forget them. That lasted him a good amount of time, but then he ran out of room and he was starting to get too exhausted from hunger and thirst. He ended up passing out on the floor. 

He didn't get much sleep and woke up to a growling stomach. Shiro sighed and pushed himself up from the ground. He didn't know how long he was going to go without food. He didn't know how long he's even been here. He just wanted to go home. He wanted to see him brother, his mom, Adam, Keith, he wanted to see all of them again. He wanted to make sure they were safe. He wanted to keep them protected. He wanted to make sure they'd never have to be here.

Then he heard it. It was hard footsteps behind him. He jumped and looked behind him. Nothing was there. Shiro forced himself to his feet and scrambled to the door and looked through the tiny window out to the hall way. No one was there. 

Shiro continued staring out the window. He could have swore he heard it! They were loud! The footsteps had to be right next to him. 

But no one was around. 

He groaned and slid down to the floor again. Had he just imagined the footsteps? But how? They were right there. They were so loud! 

He brought his knees to his chest and cupped his head. Was he loosing his mind? Was he going to go insane before he could warn Earth? He couldn't let that happen. He has to warn them. They had to know. He can't just let Earth get destroyed by them! 

He can't let these monsters get Earth and do the same thing to them. 

He can't allow them to hurt everyone on Earth the way they've done to everyone on these awful hell ships. 

Shiro shook his head, no, he can't go insane, he can't loose his mind. 

He can't afford to.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye, second chapter. I don't know if anyone's going to actually read this or not, but might as well post it anyway.

Shiro slumped onto his bed as soon as he finally got to his room. Today had been a really long day and he was happy it was finally over. They were trying to get Zendack's memories to help them get information on the Galran Empire. It seemed simple enough. Why did it have to be so slow? Why couldn't they just get his memories and be done with it?

One thing just didn't sit right with him. How could Zendack even do that? Were there speakers in the hallways? That could make sense, since Allura and Coran were able to wake them up that one time. But why couldn't anyone else hear him? Coran said it would have been impossible for Zendack to talk at all. But he did it anyway. And he moved, Shiro shuddered at the thought, he thought those pods keep everyone unconscious. How could that have happened?! He can't be going insane. No, he refuses to acknowledge that. It had to be Zendack. There's no other possibility. 

Shiro can't be going insane. He's the black paladin. If he goes insane and can't fight, how will they form Voltron? How could they even think about saving the universe? He also couldn't be a liability to them. He can't force the others to take care of him if he's too out of it to even know what's real and what's not. 

Then again he might already be a liability to them by then. He doesn't know how much longer he has till his disease kills him. Shiro chuckled bitterly, of course. Of course that's his future. Either too physically weak to move and being forced to be cared for by the others or being too mentally unstable to do things for himself. Or heck, it could be both. He could be both too physically weak and too mentally unstable to do anything. Shiro grimaced at the thought, if that happens can't they just kill him? He thinks he'd rather be dead than come to that fate. 

Shiro laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, when his door opened. He turned on his side to see who was there, Keith. Shiro smiled and gave him a wave, "Hey Keith, do you need something?" he asked, pushing himself to a sitting position. 

Keith shook his head and stepped in his room a bit, "Um, no, not really. Well, Hunk made dinner and I just wanted to let you know that and see if you wanted to eat dinner. Though it's ok, of course, if you don't want to," he mumbled. He didn't sit down, he just stood in his room. 

Shiro thought about the offer for a bit then decided it sounded better than laying in his room and contemplating his own sanity. He nodded, "Yeah, sounds good," he said, then stood up and followed Keith out to the hallway. 

He and Keith made some small talk and eventually Keith said, "Hey, you don't have to answer this, but, are you okay? You seemed a bit off after that thing with Zendack," he asked vaguely. 

Shiro didn't think twice before nodding his head, "Yeah, I'm good. Just a bit tired from the whole almost dying thing. Then again, isn't everyone?" he asked jokingly. 

Keith nodded, "Yeah, I guess. You do know that if anything's going on, you can talk to us?" he asked. 

Shiro nodded, "Of course," he dismissed. Why would he tell them? Make everyone think that he's going nuts, yeah, no thankyou. He'd rather continue what he's doing without worrying the others. It's not like they can do anything besides tying him up and putting him in an empty room incase he accidentally hurts someone due to whatever this is. 

Keith seemed to be okay with that answer and they got to the kitchen. Just like he said, everyone was tired, but they were happy to eat Hunk's food. 

Shiro sat down at the corner of the table next to Coran and Keith, hopeful that the dinner will help him take his mind off of things. 

That actually succeeded. The food was really good, it was some weird meat that Shiro didn't want to think about too much, along with something that resembled mashed potatoes and gravy, along with some goo that smelt oddly like cooked broccoli, and some tea that Coran got. Apparently it's something they used drink in Altea often. Turns out tea is universal, interesting. Overall the flavors were strange, but oddly worked together. He ate most of it before getting too full to eat more. Shiro didn't want to think about his smaller appetite now. 

Shiro was also thankful that Keith and Lance didn't fight. He really didn't want to deal with that, their constant shouting at each other usually gives him a headache so he's happy he didn't have to deal with that. Maybe he should ask Coran if he has anything for that, that would be really helpful. 

Soon they were done with dinner and they each went to their own room, this time he was able to fall asleep as soon as he hit his mattress. No time to worry about nightmares or insanity.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during the later half of season 2

Today hadn't been good at all. Yeah, it hadn't. The worst thing is that it wasn't even over yet. The paladins were all exhausted, Shiro was no exception. The night before had been riddled with nightmares about being a slave again. He relived horrible events of taking others' lives as entertainment. He remembered getting an extra treat for every life he took. That usually meant being given more food or water than usual. Other times it meant getting special privileges over the other prisoners. He usually didn't like the second one and would usually use it to help a weaker prisoner. Though the galra didn't like that and would sometimes make him kill the same person he helped earlier. 

Shiro doesn't want to think of all the lives he's been forced to take. Along with all the lives he's taken without knowing. 

So yeah, his night was awful. He probably got only 2 hours of sleep if he had to guess. Shiro hoped that he didn't seem to snappy today but his new headache was killing him so he really didn't like it when Keith and Lance had an argument at the table. He didn't even know what they were fighting about, something to do with a facemask? Well, it didn't matter, all that mattered was how it got really heated and he had break them up. That would have been fine… if he hadn't yelled. Lance didn't seem to take notice of it, but Keith did. Shiro made a mental note to apologize to them both, he can't do it now because he knows that he wouldn't be able to sound genuine. 

The rest of breakfast was okay. Hunk had made an amazing breakfast, space French toast, some weird meat, and a nice drink that Shiro didn't want to question. Then again, the number one rule of food in space is to not question it. That's what he learned after his first mission where he learned that some of the water they were drinking had probably been someone's pee at some point. Needless to say he learned his lesson after that.

Then training, they were actually interrupted half way through their training by an emergency call from a nearby planet. Coran said that it was going to be a simple defense mission. It was not. They underestimated how many galra were going to be there, Hunk and the Yellow Lion got hurt defending them, and they just barely saved the planet. Shiro's headache definitely didn't make things any better. 

After the battle, they brought Hunk to the med bay, Coran told them that he just got bruised a bit and wouldn't need to spend time in the pod. That was a big relief. Though Coran volunteered to make dinner while Hunk rested. Hunk had thankfully declined and said that cooking is a stress reliever and he'd fight him if he tried to stop him from cooking after a battle like that. 

While everyone left the med bay, Shiro decided to wait till Coran was alone and ask him about anything for his headache that just refuses to leave. Unfortunately Coran didn't have much that would help once he learned that his headache wasn't due to a head injury. All of their painkillers were the kind you'd only give if someone had a broken bone. Though Coran did seem to be sympathetic and told him that he should rest if it's bothering him that much. Turns out Alteans don't get headaches, lucky. 

Shiro did actually decide to take his advice and rest a bit, though he couldn't sleep at all and mostly tried to keep himself busy by learning how to read Altean. It did help him keep his mind off the headache that he was now starting to question if it's actually a migraine. 

Then came dinner, his headache was still just as bad as it was when he talked to Coran though. Dinner was ok, though he had trouble focusing on anything other than his headache. Everyone around him was a blur and the food didn't have much of a taste. Shiro couldn't recall if anyone had talked to him or not, he hoped they didn't and he hadn't ignored someone on accident. 

After dinner he remembered that he needed to apologize to Lance and Keith for yelling at them earlier, so that's what he's doing. He decided to go to Lance first because he was closest by. 

Shiro found Lance in the lounge with Hunk, they were watching something on a holopad. Shiro walked towards them, Hunk looked up and gave him a smile, "Oh, hey Shiro, do you need something?" he asked, barely moving from where he and Lance were sitting. 

Shiro shook his head and sat next to them, they seemed to be watching a pirated TV show from Earth. Shiro didn't recognize it and it seemed to be in a language other than English (or Japanese). Shifted a bit, "Oh, well, I just wanted to apologize, for earlier," he said awkwardly. He hoped they saw it as genuine.

Lance and Hunk gave each other a look, then Lance asked, "Wait, what? I'm confused."

Shiro shrugged, "Oh, you know, from this morning. You and Keith were fighting and I yelled at you guys to stop. I just wanted to apologize for that as it wasn't called for," he explained. He didn't get why they didn't know what he was talking about. If Shiro were them he would have taken that as proof that he was a horrible person and undeserving of being a paladin.

"Um, dude, you didn't yell? Or, at least it wasn't that bad? I mean, Iverson has yelled at us harder than that," Lance joked. 

Hunk laughed, "Oh yeah, like that time I threw up in the simulation," he recalled.

"'That time' buddy, you've probably thrown up in that simulation enough to have broken some kind of record," Lance commented. 

They laughed and Shiro was left sitting awkwardly, "So, you weren't hurt or anything?" he asked. He just wanted to be sure before he left.

Lance shook his head, "Nope, we're good boss," he said with a smile, then went back to watching the show. 

Shiro hoped that he was being honest, Shiro knew that sometimes the happy cadets tend to be the ones with the most internal struggles. He didn't want Lance to be suffering like some of those kids. 

Shiro then went to Keith, he was easy to find. Keith was either in his room, in the training deck, or with his lion. This time Keith was in his room, Shiro knocked on the door and was answered by Keith, "Oh, Shiro, do you need anything?" he asked. 

Shiro shook his head like before, "No, I just wanted to apologize for yelling at you before breakfast," he explained. 

Keith tilted his head, "Oh? You know you don't need to apologize for that, Lance was being annoying and it was early in the morning. We were all tired, we all understood," he explained.

Shiro shrugged, "Well, I just think I should apologize anyway. You two didn't deserve it," he explained. 

"Oh, ok. Hey, are you okay? You looked a bit off during dinner," Keith asked.

Shiro nodded, "Yeah, I just have a bit of a headache. Did you know that Alteans don't get headaches?" he asked. 

Keith looked a bit unsettled, "Oh, right, headaches… is it normal to get those?" he asked innocently.

Shiro nodded again, "Yup, very normal. Especially if you're dehydrated, overstimulated, or sleep deprived," he explained. He wondered if Keith had ever been explained this before. That felt weird. Had he seriously gone his whole life without asking or complaining about a headache?

Keith looked relieved, "Oh, that's good. It's just… I've never had a headache before so I didn't know if it was serious or not," he confessed. 

Shiro stood shocked, but laughed it off. Of course Keith wouldn't get headaches, he's Galran. Apparently headaches are only an Earth thing, and probably a recessive trait at that. Definitely made him wonder if other animals on Earth got headaches. Plants definitely don't. Assumingly the same thing with any animal without much of a head like a worm. 

"Yeah, no, headaches usually aren't serious at all. Well, except for migraines and cluster headaches, but I don't get cluster headaches and I haven't had a migraine in a few years and I don't think this is one since I don't feel nauseous or anything," Shiro explained. 

"Oh, that's good. So are you just going to rest and hope it goes away?" Keith asked. 

Shiro nodded, "Yeah, that's what I plan on doing," he explained.

"Okay," Keith replied and Shiro left.

With that out of the way, Shiro had the rest of the day to do whatever. He decided he should probably take a shower. He got a towel along with some pajamas and underwear and took a shower. 

The water pressure and temperature was amazing. Seems like with all this technology they've been able to make the perfect shower system. Shiro hopes that Earth can master that soon. His headache still lingered, he was starting to get a bit worried at how it refused to leave. He thought he was hydrated and he wasn't overstimulated. Lack of sleep surely can't make a headache this bad, right? 

Shiro shook his head in an attempt to forget about it but only made his headache worse. He grunted in annoyance, of course. Just the way to continue a bad day. He really didn't want this to turn into a migraine, he did not feel like throwing up now. 

Once the shower started to go cold he decided to dry off. Maybe he'd be able to pass out and skip the nightmares. Funny how something he'd joke about as a kid is now plaguing his every night. 

Shiro finished drying himself and put on his clothes. He decided to brush his teeth while there since he was hopefully just going to pass out as soon as he got to his room. That went ok until he spat out the tooth paste and looked into the mirror. 

By now he was used to his altered appearance. He knew that he'd never look the way he was before the Kerberos mission, it was sad at first, but he's gotten used to it. No, his appearance wasn't what bothered him, rather it was a figure in the corner. He thought that his eyes were playing tricks on him, but when he continued to look at the place on the mirror, he could still see the figure. In fact, it seemed to becoming more vivid. 

Then he recognized it.

Haggar. 

His heart raced and Shiro could feel his breath get caught in his chest. She was here. But how?! Surely the castle would have altered Allura and Coran like it did with Ulaz! Maybe it did and they were coming here to capture her. But why would the witch come now and to the showers of all places?! 

Shiro felt frozen, he needed to do something! He couldn't let her escape!

But he couldn't bring himself to turn around. He continued staring at her place in the mirror, paralyzed in fear. But she wasn't doing anything. She was just standing there. 

His heart raced even faster and Shiro decided he couldn't let his fear get in the way of hurting the Galran Empire. 

Shiro spun around and-

She was gone.

Shiro stared at the spot where he saw her previously, there was no trace of her. He looked back into the mirror and she still wasn't there. 

Fear surrounded him, surely she was there, right? Shiro saw her. She was so vivid! How? 

Before he realized it, tears were running down his cheeks and he swiftly wiped them away. 

Shiro left the bathroom and went to check on Allura and Coran, just incase. 

It took a few minutes to find them, but he did eventually. They were giving the mice a bath. 

Coran noticed his presence immediately, "Ahh! Number 1, do you mind getting us that mice conditioner on the counter over there?" he asked, gesturing to the purple bottle on the counter.

Shiro raised an eyebrow, "Um, sure," he said, then went over and retrieved the bottle for them.

Coran smiled, "Thank you, Shiro. So, how are you doing at this moment? Is your head still hurting you?" he asked while Allura was scrubbing the yellow mouse. 

Shiro nodded, "Um, yeah, a bit. Though that isn't what I was going to ask about," he explained.

Coran's eyes turned sympathetic, "Aww, I'm sorry about that. You really should rest, that should help," he told him. 

Shiro nodded, "Yeah, I know. Good advice," he agreed. 

"Good, so, what were you going to ask?" Coran questioned.

Shiro stood stiffly and decided to just ask before he exploded or something, "Um, well, I was just wanting to make sure, the castle would notify everyone if there was an unannounced visitor is say… I don't know, the showers or something," he asked, hoping it wasn't too obvious. 

Coran nodded, "Yes, of course. In fact, when you five first got here the castle wouldn't stop altering us of intruders. Yup, there's nothing to worry about here, Shiro," he explained. 

Shiro forced a nod, "Ok, thank you," he said, then left. He thought he heard Coran call him for something, but he wasn't sure. 

Shiro wasn't sure what to do with that knowledge, on the one hand, it was nice to know she wasn't actually there, but on the other hand… had he seriously imagined her? That can't be… no, he's not going insane. He's a perfectly sane adult because he has to be or else everything around him would fall into chaos. 

Despite being overly tired, Shiro couldn't find good sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, three chapters already, I can't believe it. This is also a bit longer than the other two. I'm not sure how long I want this to be though.


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro has died and is now in the void. TW for suicidal thoughts. Well, more like call to the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again, it's been pretty hard to write with the quarantine. I don't know why. Anyway, stay safe, please don't leave you're house if you can, even if you're area isn't enforcing it as much as they should. Stay home, keep us all safe. 
> 
> Also, again, TW for suicidal thoughts/call to the void.

Being in the void was awful. Nothing happening.

Nothing at all.

Just the stars. 

Black wouldn't talk to him.

Shiro supposed that the only good thing about this was there were no nightmares.

No flashbacks.

No hallucinations. 

It seems like being dead has done something to get rid of that stuff. Shiro supposes that if he's going to be here for the rest of eternity, at least he doesn't have to deal with that stuff. 

At least he doesn't have to worry about hurting everyone around him.

At least he doesn't have to worry about being a burden on them.

Maybe this is a good thing. 

They're probably better off without him anyway. 

At least they won't have to take care of him in his dying days. 

At least they won't have to take care of him if he lost his mind. 

At least they won't have to worry about him anymore. 

Shiro didn't know how long he was in the void for. It could be minutes, days, weeks, decades.

Would he even be able to leave if he tried? 

Why couldn't he just stop existing?

Why can't he just let everything go and die?

He's already lost everything. 

He's already dead. 

Can everything just end already?

Shiro lay in the void, everything the same. 

Then he heard something.

At first he was worried it was a hallucination, in fact, he still wasn't sure it wasn't, but it was the paladins!

He could feel them, he tried to focus, he tried to leave his area. He tried to find them. 

Then he got to them.

But they were already gone.

Except for Lance.

He needed to use this opportunity, he yelled, "Lance!"

Lance looked back at him, "What?!" he screamed back.

Then he was gone. 

He was alone again. 

He was dead. �  
He isn't supposed to exist. 

Why is he still alive?


	5. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ey, I am back. This is another long chapter which is why it took long to update. Also, I got 5 kudos! I'm pretty happy. I hope you guys aren't squeamish about puke, that does appear in this chapter.

Being alive again was a hard thing to get used to. 

Suddenly he went from experiencing nothing to experiencing everything!

And everything is loud, bright, and tiring. 

At first they wanted to keep him inside Black with Keith, Krolia, Cosmo, and Coran, but that didn't turn out well. For one, Coran was loud and while he did mean well, he would give Shiro headaches. The other problem was Cosmo. Shiro is a cat person, he has always been and will always be a cat person. Part of the reason being that dog fur gives him rashes. Cosmo is not that different. So while he's trying to get used to everything, he also has to deal with those rashes. That's fun. 

Keith is also really protective over him, like, much more than before. It's kinda worrying. Then again, he is the one that practically passes out every 3 hours due to overstimulation and exhaustion. Krolia keeps telling him to just rest and not come out at all if he's just going to pass out 3 hours later. To that he just shrugged and told her not to worry about him. 

After a while everything continued to be too much and he ended up having to take Krolia's advice because he literally couldn't get out of bed without getting too exhausted. That got Keith worried. At this point Shiro just wanted to leave the Black Lion, she won't talk to him, Keith's worried, and there's really no reason to stay here. 

At there next stop (an abandoned planet with things they can use for food), Shiro asked if he could be in another lion, so they switched. Keith was now only with Krolia and Cosmo, Coran had gone with Allura, and Shiro was now with Pidge. 

Pidge wasn't much better than Keith. For one, her lion was smaller and brighter. There was also only one bed so they needed to find another way for him to sleep. They decided on an inflatable mattress that Shiro didn't even want to bother thinking about where it came from, along with a large, black blanket. The blanket helped a lot. Especially with the light. 

There was also only one room in Green. Pidge had already set up her area of the room and gave Shiro the remainder. There wasn't much he could do with that space since he didn't have any items. Heck, he didn't even have any pajamas! He has been living in the same clothes for the past few month or so. He didn't really want to think about that. Later he was going to have to ask Coran if he had any clothes that might fit him. 

Living with Pidge was interesting. She didn't really make much conversation, but it was in a different way than Keith. Keith would always ask how he's feeling, what he needed, and give him some information about what's going on. Pidge on the other hand gave him food and water, asked him for a bit of advice on certain things, but for everything else, just left him alone. Shiro didn't really mind, he was constantly exhausted and it probably showed. 

The hardest part was probably nights though. With his new body came the nightmares, again, it was so frustrating, why couldn't his mind just let him be in his sleep!!! He has a really bad night terror on his second night, it was probably his first that didn't involve the Galra at all, but rather being trapped in the void again. When he woke up, Coran found him and tried to help by giving him some water. Though that didn't do much as he almost immediately threw it up. That's another first. He has never thrown up after a nightmare before. He was incapacitated for the entire day.

So far he hadn’t had any nightmares around Pidge. He didn't know what kind of luck gave him that, but hey, he's not complaining. 

Today they weren't really doing much, just floating in space, trying to get back home. Shiro honestly didn't even want to think about being on Earth again, it seemed too surreal that it was like his mind refused to accept it. A few hours into their day Hunk gave them an announcement, "Ok, so I know we are all tired and bored, so I decided to make a few new treats! I made 9 different snakes and I want each of you to try one and tell me what you think of it! Cosmo's on his way with them!" he announced proudly. 

Huh, interesting. Might as well check that out. 

After being revived, he's had trouble knowing when to eat. A lot of the time he won't know he's hungry until he's nauseous and shaking. To make things better, Pidge decided to make a timer and every time it goes off, he has to eat. So far that's been working out ok, though they did need to mess with the time frames a bit. Sometimes the time was too short and he wouldn't be hungry (like, really not hungry) and other times it'd be too big and he'd start going hungry again. Shiro didn't really see what was so bad about going hungry for a few minutes, but apparently everyone else did, so he just let them do that. 

But now he was going to try Hunk's snack. It was also really close to the end of the time frame so he decided why not. While he wasn't really hungry, he did think that he could eat the thing. 

Soon Cosmo came to the lion and gave them the snacks, Pidge took one (something that looked a bit like a smore) and gave Shiro the other. 

Thankfully it was something he could eat one-handed. It was something the shape of a cupcake with a similar texture as well. Though it was also purple. Why was space food always some weird color? 

He looked at it for a bit, then ate it. The flavor was ok, a bit too much for him but that was probably just him still not being used to this whole living thing. 

"This was really good Hunk, thank you," he fibbed. It wasn't that good but he didn't want to hurt his feelings especially since Shiro's probably the problem here.

The others gave Hunk similar feedback and he beamed, "Aw, thank you. I might make those some more," he explained, then everyone went back to their own thing. 

He and Pidge was stuck doing nothing except flying in the vast emptiness of space. Well, she was at least the one doing the flying. 

Pidge hummed, "You know you don't have to be here, right?" she asked, still looking ahead.

"What do you mean?" he asked, leaning on her chair.

"I mean that this is incredibly boring and you've been pretty exhausted lately. You should go get some rest or do something; I don't need any help at the moment," she explained. 

Shiro understood what she was saying, "Are you sure you can handle things alone?" he asked, just to be sure.

Pidge nodded, "Yup, don't worry about it," she told him. 

Shiro nodded, "Ok, I guess I'll go do something in the back," he told her, then got up to leave. He looked back and Pidge gave him a thumbs up. 

The back wasn't as bright as the cockpit, so that gave his eyes a break. Shiro didn't want to sleep so he tried to find something to do. He ended up sitting on his bed with a Learn To Read Altean! Book. It was pretty helpful, but their writing system was odd at best and confusing at worst. But he's a native Japanese speaker and non native English speaker, so he knows how to deal with weird and complex writing systems. 

Though about an hour of doing this he got uncomfortable. It wasn't at the writing system, but rather something else. He put the book to the side and decided to try and see what it was. He went through a few internal check lists and determined that he's overheated. Quiznack. His stomach also started to cramp up.

Shiro started to get worried and got up, there was a first aid kit in their bathroom, he'll check that out. 

In the bathroom he first went to the mirror, there were large bags under his eyes and he looked really pale. Double Quiznack. His hands shook and he found a thermometer (thankfully one that you can just touch your skin with) and took his temperature. It first went into Altean but was translated into Fahrenheit, 99.1 degrees Fahrenheit. Fever, great. How did this happen?

His mind immediately went to the cupcake like thing, maybe that wasn't just him getting used to living after all. 

At the moment he wasn't too nauseous yet, but just incase, he tried to find a bucket. Luckily there was a bin that wasn't in use. 

He went to his bed, put the bin on the floor, and curled up into a ball. By now his stomachache has really become noticeable. Shiro didn't know what to do except stay curled up and hope the pain goes away. It was a bit interesting how he wasn't nauseous at all, was space food poisoning different than Earth food poisoning?

Shiro wasn't sure how much time had passed, but his alarm went off. Ugh, he really did not want to eat. He decided that he'll just skip this one and hope for the best. 

Shiro also hated having a fever. Fevers were the worst, they made you overly hot and overly cold. He wanted to stay in that blanket, but had to kick it off because the heat was too much. But then he became too cold. 

Soon he heard something in the distance, Shiro uncurled a bit and looked up. It was Pidge. 

Shiro knew he probably looked bad when he saw her expressions sour, she ran up to him carefully, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" she asked. 

Shiro shook his head, "No… I've been awake for the past few hours, don't worry," he reassured, then was met by a throb in his stomach. He really did not want to throw up. 

"Oh," she said, then continued to look at him, "is something wrong? You don't look too good," she asked, a bit nervous. 

Shiro didn't quite know how to answer that, "I'm fine. I just have a slight fever and stomachache, that's all," he told her. It was the truth, he wasn't even going to fight it this time. 

Pidge's expression softened, "Oh, let me see," she put her hand against his forehead, "yeah, that's definitely a fever. Sorry you don't feel well. Were you feeling well this morning?" she asked, by now they were all used to the weird time situation. 

Well, he wasn't well this morning, but that was due to other reasons, "Yeah, relatively well," he said. 

Pidge nodded, "Oh, ok, do you think this might have been from Hunk's food?" she asked. 

Shiro shrugged, "I guess. Makes the most sense," he told her. 

Pidge nodded, "Yeah, I figured. It did have a weird smell to it. Don't worry, I won't tell Hunk he accidentally gave you food poisoning unless this becomes a bigger problem," she told him. 

Shiro smiled, "Ok, thanks," he really did not want to make Hunk feel guilty for giving him this weird food poisoning. 

Pidge nodded, "Sure thing. Do you want anything like water? I might be able to get something for you're stomachache. Have you ever tried heat pads before? They help some people with cramping, but not others. It's generally used for periods but can also be used here," she said, searching around her side of the room a bit. 

Shiro shook his head, "No, I didn't use to get stomachaches this bad before on Earth all that much," he explained. He also had no idea where he'd have even gotten one. 

Pidge came back over with a bag of something, "This isn't really a heating pad like from Earth, it's more like a warm rice bag than anything, but it might be able to help. It helps me with my periods. Just put it over the place that hurts and hold it there 'till it starts feeling better," she explained, giving it to him. 

It was really warm, though not wet, not like those clothes his mom would give him when he was sick as a kid. Those were wet and cold, he supposed that was the point. 

Shiro put the bag on his stomach where it was hurting. At first it didn't really do much but eventually in managed to slowly make things feel better. He smiled, "Thank you Pidge."

Pidge nodded, "No problem, though we should also probably do something for that fever, it didn't feel that good," she told him, then went rummaging again in her stuff.

"Ok," he replied, then curled up in a ball again. The warmth was so nice, but he was starting to feel nauseous. 

Pidge must have found something because she ran back to wear he was, "Ok, while I couldn't find an ice pack, I did find a cloth that I can use. I can just dip it in cold water and use it," she explained to him. 

Shiro nodded in response. His nausea got increasingly worse as time went by and he really did not want to throw up now. 

Eventually Pidge came back, she kneeled besides him. She felt his forehead then hissed, "Wow, I do not remember it being that warm. Did it just suddenly spike or something?? I'm going to tell Coran, that does not seem like normal food poisoning fever," she said, then quickly put the rag on his forehead and ran out of the room. 

Shiro couldn't say anything in response, too focused on not throwing up. He also didn't get why she said his fever was worse, he felt like he was frozen, not being boiled alive! He curled up around the pad some more. He felt terrible, being sick on it's own was horrible, but being as overstimulated as he's been makes things extra worse. 

He really wanted Pidge to come back. He wasn't even sure why. Maybe it was just for her presence? Once again, he didn't know. Shiro looked around the room some more, wanting anything to get rid of the coldness and nausea that was overwhelming him. 

Then as he was looking throughout the room, he saw something. It was a little flicker at the corner of his eye. Shiro was confused and turned to see what it was. 

He screamed and reflexively pushed himself against the wall. It was Heggar. How did she get here? How?! 

Shiro stared at her in sheer horror, waiting for her to do something. She seemed to be just pacing in mini circles. Why?! She had to be here for a reason!! She would never just come here and do nothing!!

Pidge burst into the room and looked around. She saw him, seemed to ignore Heggar, and ran to him, "Shiro!! Are you ok?! I heard you scream in the other room. I was just talking with Coran, he said it might be something else and I should test or," she paused and looked at him, "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked. 

Shiro instinctively, and clumsily, reached up and pulled her to his chest. She protested in response but he wouldn't listen. He had to keep her safe. He had to make sure that Heggar wouldn't hurt her. 

Then Pidge pushed against him, hard, "What are you doing?!?! Can you just tell me what's wrong?!?!" she demanded, still unable to free herself from his hold. 

Shiro winced, "Don't you see her?!" he demanded, how could she be so foolish?! Pidge was smart, she should know how dangerous Heggar was. Wait, why was Heggar just standing still now? You know what, who cares, all that matters is keeping Pidge safe. 

Pidge then froze, "What? No one else is here Shiro," she told him, paling a bit. 

That can't be true. She's right there! Shiro frowned, "What do you mean? Heggar, she's- she's right there," he informed her, pointing to the witch in question, whom was oddly facing towards the wall?

Pidge shook her head, eye's wide, "No, Shiro, she's not-," she exhaled, "that fever's getting to you, you're delirious. She's not there. What you're seeing isn't-… it's not real Shiro," she told him. 

Shiro didn't relax, he could see her! She was still there! In fact, she was beginning to turn around. He couldn't look anymore, he was going to die, this was it. 

He felt Pidge relax, "Hey, Shiro, it's ok. I promise she's not there. We'll get you some fever reducers and then you'll be all good," she told him. 

Then Shiro looked up, surely if she was not real, Heggar would be gone, right?

He saw her standing at the edge of his mattress, arm raised with magic, she was giving him a stare of death. 

He was thrown back in his cell. In the distance he heard a few voices. 

"How long do you think until he can fight again?" asked some voice.

"I don't know, maybe a week or 2. We probably shouldn't give him any pain medicine, those in his species seem to be easily addicted to those substances," said another voice. 

In response his arm throbbed. He almost forgot about it. Shiro had just lost it. Apparently after you win a certain amount of fights you get "rewarded" by becoming an experiment. His arm hurt so much. How did he forget it?

Then he was kicked. Shiro groaned and saw Pidge on the opposite side of his mattress. She didn't look scared though. Then he remembered and quickly looked around,

No one was there. 

The witch wasn't there. 

His arm was still throbbing even though nothing was there. 

Shiro looked back at Pidge. She didn't look scared… just worried… Quiznack. 

Pidge leaned forward towards him, "Shiro? Are you here?" she asked. 

Shiro nodded, "Yes, of course I'm here… this is my temporary room. Where else would I be?" he asked.

Pidge let out a sigh then sat next to him, "Thank goodness, you weren't exactly there for a moment," she said. 

Oh. Right. 

He frowned, "I'm sorry about that. You shouldn't have-" he was cut off.

"Shiro, you are sick. Don't apologize. Especially since you couldn't have caused any of that," Pidge ordered. 

He was about to protest but was cut off again, "Don't you even. How about you just rest and I'll take care of everything else," she told him. 

That did sound nice, he didn't have much will left to argue with her, Shiro relaxed, "Ok…" he agreed, still not too happy with the idea. 

Then he felt Pidge leave. 

This could be worse. Hypothetically speaking. He could have hallucinated and had a flashback in front of Pidge while he didn't have a fever. Though this still sucked, a lot. He was still nauseous. 

Oh right. 

All that moving did not help that. 

Shiro curled up in a ball again, hoping he'd be able to will his nausea away. 

That did not work so he quickly went over to the side of his bed and got the bucket and waited for the inevitable. 

He dry heaved a few times, then threw up his last meal. 

He quickly put it off to the side and tried not to gag again. He will not think about that anymore. Not about the taste, color, nor the smell. Nope. 

Then Pidge came back. She quickly put together what happened and gave him some water. Then she made him do a few tests and Coran told them that the virus wasn't anything deadly. In fact, it only really made those who were immunocompromised sick… so he was the only one who was going to get it anyway… of course…

The next day was filled with misery and he wasn't able to leave bed all day. At least Pidge learned about First Aid and nursing. That can always come in handy. 

Though it wasn't completely horrible. 

His blanket was nice. 

When he was coherent and not throwing up, he'd learn Altean with Pidge. 

Things weren't all that bad and they did eventually start to get better. Pidge celebrated by teaching him how to play her game. 

The other paladins also inevitably found out and also tried to help him feel better in whatever way they could. 

Lance told him about his home back in the US. Apparently his mother was American and his father was Cuban. His mother came to Cuba for a few years and met his father while there, then afterwards they had a 5 kids (and he thought he had a lot of siblings) and moved back to the states for work. Lance talked about how he couldn't wait to see them again, especially his niece and nephew (Lance is an Uncle?!?!). 

Hunk also told him about his family. They were a nice group of people. He's Samoan and that was very interesting to hear, Shiro just assumed he was all African-American, but apparently no. Hunk also made him some light food so that he hopefully wouldn't throw them up. He wished he could say that they tasted good, but being sick didn't really help. 

Keith told him stories about being on the space wale with his mom. It was kinda strange but he didn't judge. 

Allura and Coran told him about Altean culture and history, a new interest of his. Altea sounds so fascinating, he wished it could have survived to this day. Another reason to not like Heggar. 

And Pidge was the most helpful. Shiro was proud of how maturely she was handling the situation. She knew how to check his temperature, what he'd need and not need, and overall was a very great nurse. He kinda felt bad for how much she was doing. She didn't need to be doing this much! 

But she didn't let him think that. 

Eventually he did get better. In fact, he was also experiencing less sensory overload, so that was great. Seems like he was finally getting used to this new body. 

He also remembered something about them being able to charge up their lions themselves in that one battle? That might be some important information, he'll tell them about it later. 

Either way, he was happy in his new found wellness, maybe things will end up well after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \---This is not the last chapter, there will be more. Anything else said will be a spoiler.


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro experiences a psychotic break, thankfully not in public.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying to do this around once a week. Also, 8 kudos and people are subscribed! Thank you so much, this means a lot! Also, I’m keeping season 7 canon but not season 8.

Shiro finally entered his apartment and shut the door. 

This has been a hard week. Then again, he hasn’t had a good week in a long time. But this week was definitely worse. 

Why did Sendak need to invade Earth? Why couldn’t he just go to Jupiter, or maybe Saturn. Saturn rains diamonds after all. 

Shiro collapsed on his couch. Why did Admiral Sanda send Adam’s team as the first wave? Before he knew it, tears were running down his face.

Why did Adam have to die? Shiro always supposed that he’d be the one to die first, but apparently no. Why? What was the point of living if his partner, if his best friend, was dead? He curled up on his side. He missed Adam so much. He remembers watching movies with him on the weekends, he remembers their first date, their first kiss, everything. Why did the universe have to take Adam as well? It took his hair, his arm, his life, his black hair, his shoulder, his home, his twenties... 

Shiro knew beforehand that, if Adam was there, that there’d be zero chance of them rekindling their relationship. It was over with. 

But he still wanted to see him. 

He wanted to try and make things better. 

Shiro wasn’t sorry for leaving, he wasn’t sorry about what he said, he meant every word, but he wished they didn’t end on bad terms. 

His room was suddenly very cold. Shiro wanted a blanket but knew that was just dumb, why should he deserve a blanket? The paladins were in the hospital, they might never recover from their injuries, Coran is devastated. Why should he deserve a blanket? Why should he deserve this new arm? Why should he deserve anything he has? Why shouldn’t he just-

“How are you alive....” a voice whispered. 

Shiro tensed and looked around. 

No one. 

Shiro stood up and carefully searched his living room. He looked around and turned on the light. 

No one. 

Shiro breathed, it was probably just his imagination. Or it was just the painkillers he was on. 

Shiro shook his head and started to go back to his couch. Maybe he can just mindlessly watch TV till he eventually loses consciousness. 

He felt some thing grab his arm. 

Shiro quickly spun, the hand was squeezing his elbow. There was a dark skinned hand. He tried to losen it’s hold, but-

“What are you doing?” the same voice whispered. 

A chill went down Shiro’s spine, he carefully looked up and saw Adam. 

But it wasn’t him. 

No. His glasses were cracked, his skin was much darker with black spots. His hair was messy and covered in dirt. Even his clothes were tattered. 

Adam looked like he was dead. 

Adam gave him a cruel smile, “So... what have we here?” he asked, pushing him onto the couch. 

Shiro fell onto the couch and probably bruised something on his side. He looked up and Adam was sitting next to him. 

“So, are you done with your little games? I thought you didn’t want to stay on Earth, ‘It’s my dreams, you know that Adam!’ Yeah, you’d always say that. So, what are you doing here, being all pathetic while everyone you love is suffering much worse than you,” Adam asked, making intense eye contact with him. Shiro could see that his eyes were also off. They were red and his left Iris was cracked. 

The room suddenly felt much colder. 

Shiro gulped, “What are you doing here Adam? You said that if I left you wouldn’t be here when I got back. So why are you here? Can’t you just leave?” he asked, in a shaky voice. 

Adam seemed to ponder that question then smiled again, his teeth were stained, “Why do you want me to leave? I thought you were just grieving me? Well, I’m here, you don’t need to do that,” he said happily. 

Shiro shuddered and his heart started racing, why was his room so cold! 

Shiro shook his head frantically, “No, no, no, how could you know that?! How- how... how...” he stammered, not sure how to finish the sentence. 

Then Adam took his hand again and brought him up to his feet. Oddly enough, everything else felt very strange, sort of fuzzy, like he was about to pass out or something. His heart raced and he wondered if he was going to have a panic attack. 

Adam brought him to the center of the room then hugged him, “Isn’t this what you wanted though? You aren’t sick anymore... you had all you’re fun... and I’m here,” he whispered. 

Then the walls changed. He was back in their first dorm from year 11. He looked around quickly, everything was the same. Adam didn’t look as strange as before, but rather, he looked younger. 

Like he did in year 11. 

“Please don’t leave again...” Adam whispered. 

Shiro stiffened and hugged back, “Don’t worry, I don’t want to,” he said. 

They continued hugging. 

Then he heard a beep. 

Adam was even stranger this time, his eyes completely black, blood dripping out of his mouth. 

Shiro couldn’t even scream. He just dropped him then ran into his bathroom and splashed some water on his face, praying that it would make this stop! 

The lighting felt weird, sort of like he was in a horror film. He wanted to scream, and cry, he wanted someone to come and make it stop. He wanted everything to be good again. 

He’s hyperventilating. His hands are shaking, even the prosthetic oddly enough, he slowly fell to his knees and cupped his face in his hands. He felt very nauseas. 

How-how will he- Adam isn’t- he has to be- wants wrong with him?! Why won’t this stop!? Why-why won’t the universe just STOP!? 

Shiro sat in his bathroom for a few minutes, eventually things went back to normal. But it felt like eternity. Soon the weird lighting was gone, the noises were gone, everything. He felt exhausted. 

Shiro went over to the bathroom mirror. He looked awful, his skin was flushed and pale, his eyes were red and had bags under them, and his hair was a mess. 

Thankfully it was over. Thankfully no one had seen him. 

He splashed water on his face again for good measure, then hesitantly went back into his living room. 

No one was there. 

Everything was normal. 

He collapsed on his bed, ready for sleep. Distantly he wondered if this is what insanity felt like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. Writing this felt awful. Like that pure dread. I’ve never experienced this at all so writing it felt very nightmarish. It’s kinda horrifying what the human brain can do. I hope you enjoyed it, I swear next chapter will be the total climax, I can’t deal with this build up any longer lol.


	7. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance helps Shiro get help during a psychotic break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is obviously going to be from Lance’s POV. In my fic Lance isn’t mentally ill. I personally don’t like that headcanon, but I’m fine if you headcanon that. I just see him as having normal insecurities and he doesn’t seem to have any PTSD symptoms, so yeah, not mentally ill in my book. Once again, I don’t care if you make fics on that and like that stuff, I’m just making it clear that that’s not going to be something in my fics. But like I said earlier, I think he has normal insecurities which I can have fun with. Like having him bond with Ryou over being the “dumb one”.

Lance was sitting with Hunk, eating lunch in the Galaxy Garrison lunchroom. They’ve been out of the hospital for two weeks now, and they’ve been working for two days. Lance is still amazed that they are back. He never thought they’d be back, much less this soon. But here they are, in the Garrison lunch room eating soup and crackers. 

He’s also been spending a lot of time with his family, helping them with their farm and such. He’s just so happy to be with them again, he doesn’t want to leave them ever again. Then again, with the whole space hero thing...

Hunk was telling him about a new recipe he learned from Coran. That also reminds Lance of another reason he’s happy to be on earth: Finally some actually good food!! Hunk’s food was probably the only food that was actually good in space, but now they’re on Earth. Now they don’t have to worry about being stuck with Coran’s horrible food. 

Hunk smiled, “Man, I am so happy to be back on Earth, now I can, you know, actually cook good things!” he exclaimed happily, “oh, I am so looking forward to helping my mom cook for our family reunion. I can’t wait to see my niece and nephew again!” 

Lance nodded, “Oh yeah, how are they anyway?” he asked. When they first found Hunk’s family they weren’t with his parents. Thankfully later they found that they were just moved to a part of the camp where the kids are held. Somehow they were safe. 

“Oh, they’re great! They seem to be oddly ok with everything that happened, you know? They keep on bragging about how they survived an alien invasion,” Hunk said with a chuckle, “I missed them so much.”

“Well, they do have some bragging rights. Not everyone can just survive an alien invasion like they did,” Lance said, stirring his soup a bit. He was going to need to use the restroom soon. 

Hunk nodded, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just happy that everyone seems to be alright! I mean, they are still recovering because this, but it seems like everyone is just happy it’s over.” 

Lance chuckled, “Yeah, I’m definitely happy this is all over,” he paused, “oh yeah, are you guys coming over to my family’s barbecue next week? My mom wanted to know so that she’d have an idea about how much stuff to make,” he asked. 

Hunk paused and stood up, he was done with his meal, “Oh, yeah. Though my sister won’t be able to make it. Something to do with her job or whatever,” he said. 

Lance nodded, “Ok, I’ll tell my mom,” he said, then stood up as well, “I need to go to the bathroom quickly.” 

Hunk nodded, “Ok, I’ll meet you in the training room!” Hunk said, then left.  
Lance walked through the halls. Not many people were there, probably like 5, so it was a pretty peaceful walk. Though one thing Lance didn’t understand was how they were all still somehow cadets. How?! They literally fought to save the universe and they don’t even get a promotion! Definitely makes him wonder how the heck Veronica got her promotion. 

Then he went into the bathroom and immediately heard chocked sobbing. 

That wasn’t good. 

It didn’t take Lance long to trace down the source of the sound. 

It was Shiro. He was curled up in the corner, hair messy and clearly shaking. He seemed to be muttering a few words as well. 

Alarm bells immediately went off in Lance’s head and he ran over to Shiro and sat in front of him, peeing can wait. 

Up close he could see that Shiro’s face was also a bit flushed. 

Lance hummed, “Hey, Shiro, are you okay there?” he asked, trying to stay calm. It wasn’t everyday you see your former hero having a panic attack in the bathroom. 

Well, that’s what Lance assumes it was anyway. 

But Shiro didn’t respond, he kept on shaking and whispering nonsense. Lance didn’t even know if he heard him at all. 

Lance tried talking to him some more, and even tried shaking his shoulder, but he still wouldn’t respond. Lance had to keep himself from getting anxious and decided that he should try and get someone else. Maybe Sam. 

Lance got up and quickly left the bathroom and started running to the engineering room, Sam should be there. 

He pushed open the door to the engineering room and... Sam was not there. 

Oh! But Iverson is.

Iverson just finished talking with a cadet. Lance ran up to him. 

Iverson jumped, “Woah, what’s the hurry?” he asked with a goofy smile. Good, he was in a good mood. 

Lance panted, “Um... Shiro... in the bathroom... panic attack...” he breathed out. He probably ran too quickly. 

Iverson dropped the smile and went tense, “What’s wrong with Shiro,” he demanded. 

Lance panted a bit, then took a deep breath, “I’m not sure... he was curled up in a ball in the men’s room and he looked like he was having a panic attack. I tried to see what was wrong but he wouldn’t respond to anything I said or did,” he explained, finally done hyperventilating. 

Iverson sighed, “Already, I’ll see what happened,” he said, then gestured to Lance to lead him to the bathroom. 

When they got there again, Shiro was still in the corner and still having a panic attack. Lance didn’t even want to think about what could have caused Shiro of all people to go hide in the bathroom. 

Iverson shook his head slowly then walked over to Shiro and kneeled down next to him. Lance watched, mainly because he just wanted to be sure Shiro was going to be ok. 

Iverson seemed to be oddly good at comforting him. Or at least with calming him down. He had finally managed to get Shiro’s attention and tried to lead him through some breathing exercises. In a few minutes, which felt like eternity, Iverson had managed to get Shiro to stop hyperventilating and shaking. He had also stopped muttering nonsense as well. 

Iverson stayed next to him and gave him a smile, “There, that’s better,” he told Shiro, Shiro kept frowning, “do you mind telling me what happened?” Iverson asked softly. Lance had never seen Iverson this caring before. It was kinda weird. 

Shiro sighed and rubbed his eyes, “It’s nothing...” he muttered, hugging his knees. It looked like there were bruises under his eyes, heck, maybe there were. 

Iverson frowned, “If it were nothing then we wouldn’t be here. Please just tell me what happened, I promise I’ll only use this information to get help if needed,” Iverson told him.

Shiro looked down then muttered something along with an apology. 

Whatever he said, Iverson heard it and stiffened, “Wait, what?” he said, then leaned forward and touched his forehead. He frowned and leaned back, “Strange, you don’t have a fever. When was the last time you slept?” 

Shiro frowned, “last night. I got 6 hours of sleep. That’s not the best, I know, but it’s not too bad,” he muttered. 

Iverson sighed, “I’m sorry, but hallucinations are a big deal. If it wasn’t caused by fever or lack of sleep then it’s for the best that we get this checked out,” he explained. 

Wait, hallucination!?

Shiro continued to stare at the floor, “... alright... how would that work?” he murmured weakly. Lance was surprised he was able to hear him. 

Iverson gave him a soft smile, “How about let’s take you to the medbay and see what the doctors there recommend,” he suggested. 

“... you promise you won’t put me under...” Shiro whispered. 

Iverson nodded, “Yes, I promise that won’t happen,” he reassured, 

Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose, “alright,” he agreed. 

Iverson smiled and helped him stand up. Shiro was still pretty wobbly on his feet. At this point Kance has completely forgotten about actually using the bathroom. 

Lance continued to follow them shortly behind. He wasn’t sure if Shiro noticed him or cared. There were a few other people who saw them, but only one person asked a question and they were quickly dismissed. 

Eventually Iverson got the medbay and quickly explain the situation to one of the doctors and a room was set up for him temporarily. They gave Shiro some paper form to fill out and a doctor stayed in the room but led him and Iverson out of the room, “I think I’m going to have to call a psychiatrist, I’m not used to working with cases like this,” the doctor explained to Iverson. 

Iverson nodded, “Alright, just remember not to allow them to transfer him to somewhere else, I don’t think that’d end well for anyone,” he explained. 

The doctor nodded back and went back in the room with Shiro. 

Iverson let out a sigh of relief then walked over to him, “You handled that well, Cadet,” he told him formally. 

That surprised Lance, “Wait, what?” he asked, unsure of what he was talking about, 

Iverson smiled, “You didn’t know how to help Shiro, so you went and got some help instead of tryin to do something you have no experience in. That could have went a lot worse and I just want you to know that you did a good job,” he elaborated. 

Oh... Lance hadn’t thought about it. While he was used to helping Hunk through his bad panic attacks, he’s never had to comfort someone who was unresponsive to outside stimuli, let alone hallucinations, “Oh, thank you sir. Is he going to be ok?” He asked. Might as well hear what he thinks. 

Iverson shrugged, “Hopefully. Though it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for him to work for a while. I think we all know that he’s been really stressed for the past who knows how long. I don’t think hallucinations has been any help to that,” he explained, “Though we are going to get a therapist no matter what. I’ve always thought that therapy would be a good option for him after everything, but now we can enforce it rather than just hoping he decides he wants to get a therapist.”

Lance nodded, “That’s good I guess. Hopefully he’ll be able to get help for those flashbacks he used to get a lot,” he said. 

Iversons’s eye widened, “What flashbacks?!” he asked. 

Lance shrugged, “Sometimes in battle he’ll just freeze and remember something from his year as a prisoner. It helped us when fighting before. Though it was kinda inconvenient with how he would be unresponsive for a minute or two,” he said casually. 

Iverson groaned, “Well, thanks for that information as well. Looks like we have more on our hands than I thought. Whatever. You’re dismissed cadet, you don’t need to be here any longer.”

Lance nodded, “Yes sir,” then left the medbay. 

He found Hunk in the training room, he was practicing his shooting. Hunk looked at him and smiled, “Wow, you took long in the bathroom,” he commented. 

Oh right, Lance shook his head, “Long story short, I wasn't able to use the bathroom,” he said, then grabbed a gun to start his practice. 

Hunk raised an eyebrow, “Wait what? What took so long?” he asked, then shot the target. 

Lance sighed, “Something happened with Shiro. I saw him in the bathroom having a panic attack, so I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t respond, so I had to get Iverson, and he was able to talk to him eventually, but turns out the panic attack was because of some hallucination so Iverson took him to the medbay to get it checked out. Apparently he also wants to get Shiro a therapist, then again, I’m not sure what other option you’d have,” he explained. It was catching up with him how much of a crappy situation this is. Hopefully he won’t be going nuts anytime soon. 

Hunk’s expression dropped, “Wait, what? Shiro’s in the medbay. That’s... that’s not good,” he said. 

Lance nodded, “Yeah, I know, but Iverson said they should be able to do something to help,” he explained. 

Hunk frowned, “Yeah, but... hey, do you think we’d be able to bring him something?” he asked. 

Lance tilted his head, “Bring him what?” he asked. 

“Oh, just a treat or present. He must be going through some awful stuff, might as well try and cheer him up,” Hunk suggested. 

Lance thought for a bit, “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” he said. 

Hunk smiled, “Alright! Then we should start coming up with ideas now!” he exclaimed. 

Lance smiled, a few years ago Lance thought of Shiro as his idol, his hero. Now he’s going to be able to help him when he’s not feeling well. He’ll actually be able to do something!

He and Hunk left the training area and headed towards the kitchen. This was going to be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was more enjoyable to write. I hope last chapter wasn’t too dark, that’s the reason i chose to make this one from Lance’s POV. I didn’t feel like writing that again.


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically just an update with some nice paladin bonding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for being really late. I’ve been pretty demotivated lately and that shows in my writing. Also, there’s well over 100 hits on this fic! That’s the most I’ve ever gotten. Same with the kudos and I actually have subscribers! So, to all of the people reading this: thank you so much.

Shiro laid on his side, hugging his knees. He still couldn’t believe what happened. He couldn’t believe that he had a panic attack in the bathroom because he heard some people talk about how he should be dead. He couldn’t believe that apparently those people weren’t real. He couldn’t believe he was here. He just couldn’t believe anything about his situation. 

When he had been taken to the med bay, he was given a psyche evaluation. Ok, easy enough. That was until he got to the questions. Ok, even if he did have no energy, constant nightmares, and thoughts of suicide, he wasn’t that bad, right? 

After that the doctors took it from him and started going through the questions and asked for a bit of clarification on certain questions. Once that was done they said that he’d have to see a psychiatrist. They didn’t explain why but he was too tired to really care. 

Why did he have to be here? Oh right, because it’s not normal to have hallucinations. Well, can’t they just drug him and put him in some mental institution instead of pretending that he obviously hasn’t lost his mind. If they’re going to do it eventually, then they might as well get it over with. What’s the point in pretending that everything can be fixed when they can’t, 

Shiro felt tears go down his cheek. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why couldn’t he just have the normal happily ever after? Oh, that’s easy, because he’s not a hero. 

He was never a hero. Just a monster playing pretend to make himself feel better. Isn’t that just pathetic? Shiro didn’t even know what they told everyone else since he obviously isn’t working now. They couldn’t have been honest, “oh yeah, our captain... well turns out he’s been crazy this entire time and no one noticed”. Yeah, no. Knowing them they probably just said he got sick and left it at that. That’s probably for the best. It’d probably hurt everyone’s morale to know the truth. 

Then the door opened, Shiro stiffened and uncurled, it was a nurse. She gave him a smile, “Sir, you have two visitors,” she told him. She was fairly short and had black hair in a bob cut. 

Shiro sat up, “Wait, who?” he asked. Who would want to visit him now? He can’t even take care of himself. Shiro just really hopes it’s not the paladins, specifically Keith. He can’t let Keith see him like this, he’s seen him hurt too much. Shiro can’t let Keith see him now. 

“Paladins McClain and Garret,” she told him, still smiling. Why was she smiling so much?

Great, well, he knows Lance’s last name is McClain and Hunk is the only one he doesn’t know the last name of, so it must be them...  
Well, at least they aren’t Keith. 

Shiro paused, “Ok, can I see them?” he asked. Might as well get it over with. 

The nurse nodded then left. Almost immediately, Lance and Hunk came in, hunk was holding a white box. Odd

Hunk smiled, put the box onto a table, and sat next to him. This felt weird, being in a bed while they were sitting in chairs. It felt wrong. Lance also came in with a smile, “Looks like you’re already getting better” he said. 

Shiro wasn’t entirely sure what that meant. He felt awful. Was he referring to the panic attack? But Shiro didn’t question and just nodded along, “thanks,” he said, uncomfortably. 

Hunk beamed then ran over to the box, “Oh yeah! Me and Lance made you some cookies. You know, because you aren’t feeling well and all. At first we were going to do ice cream but then didn’t know how to keep it cold for that long, and we weren’t sure if you were lactose intolerant or not, especially since you’ve never drank a milkshake. So we decided to go safe with cookies,” he explained, then opened the box and showed around what he’d guess to be 30 cookies. They were all chocolate chip, but, oddly enough, they had a letter on each one and seemed to spell out, “Get well soon”. They do know that he’s in here for a mental reason? Right?

Shiro stared at them in awe. Why would they do this? They had no reason to. Especially since he hadn’t given them any gifts while they were in the hospital. He took one, “oh... wow... thank you, guys. I don’t see why-“ 

Hunk cut him off, “Don’t, we don’t need to hear it. Just enjoy the cookie,” he instructed. 

Lance nodded, “Yeah, we don’t need to hear whatever reason you have that this isn’t something we should do. Nope. You know the rules, you aren’t feeling good, so you get a gift. Them’s the rules, boss,” he said, then took a bite out of one of the cookies, “And man Hunk, we did a great job,” he said, enjoying the cookie. 

Well, if he got a gift he has to enjoy it. So he took a bite from the cookie. 

It truly did taste amazing. It was soft in the middle and the chocolate chips were melted so they didn’t change the consistency of the cookie. Overall really good. Then again, it is Hunk, “Wow, these are great you guys. You should be proud,” he praised. 

Hunk shrugged, “thanks, we were just wanting to make you something so this would be easier,” he explained, “so, how have you been anyway?” he asked. 

Lance nodded, “Yeah, they didn’t really tell us much besides you were in the med bay and will probably stay overnight” he commented. 

Well, that’s news to him. Why didn’t they tell him that? Then again, he did assume that’s probably what would happen. But it still would have been nice to hear. Shiro shrugged, “I guess I’ve been... tired,” yeah, that’s the word, “Yeah, just really tired,” he repeated with a laugh. Why would he be tired. At least he isn’t hearing things that aren’t real. 

Lance frowned,” that sucks dude,” he said. Hunk nodded. Suddenly Hunk got up and brought Shiro into a hug. Shiro stiffened but then slowly relaxed into the hug. Shiro let himself smile, this was good. Hunk was a good hugger. This is probably the first time he’s smiled all day. 

Hunk continued to hug him and Shiro was starting to wonder if he would let go. Did he really scare them this much? “Just...” Hunk paused, “just focus on getting better, ok dude?” he asked softly, then let him go. 

Shiro nodded, “Ok,” he chuckled, “I guess I don’t have much of a choice,” he answered. He did have to get better, he had to captain the Atlas, he had to be here for them. But is it even possible for him to get better? As much as he’s read about mental health disorders, he hasn’t really heard of them truly going away. Especially hallucinations. Was this just an impossible dream? 

Hunk sat down and they continued to just talk. Apparently Lance’s going to have a family barbecue. Lance told him that he could go if he’s out of the hospital by then. Shiro smiled and agreed but internally decided he couldn’t do that. It’s Lance’s family, not his. Shiro doesn’t deserve to go. 

“Oh yeah, here” Lance said, giving him a tablet, “I noticed that they didn’t have any TV’s here, so this should be keep you entertained. There’s a few apps on there and if you get bored, we actually have WiFi here so, you know, there’s the App Store, and google” Lance explained. 

Shiro looked down at the tablet, it was actually one from Earth. Strange. He kind of preferred the ones from the castle now. But hey, he can change the language of this to Japanese, so that’s nice. Good refresher so he doesn’t sound too foreign if he talks to his family again. 

Shiro smiled, “Thank you Lance, I was actually getting a bit bored earlier,” he explained. 

Lance smiled back, “You’re welcome. Well, we have to go now. See you later Shiro,” he said, leading Hunk out of the room. 

“Bye Shiro!!” Hunk called back. 

Shiro waved to them goodbye and they were gone. 

It was empty. 

Again. 

Shiro sighed. Well, it didn’t matter too much. He’ll just continue. He has to. 

But maybe people actually do care about him.

That was a weird thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter didn’t seem too rushed. Next chapter will feature Shiro seeing a therapist. I’ve actually been seeing a counselor lately so I think I have a good idea for how I want to write this. I think my explanation for his hallucinations will be extreme stress. That is something that can happen and I don’t think he’d fit any mental disorders. Though it’s still important.
> 
> Also, I hope that everyone is ok. Especially those in big cities at the moment. Speaking of which, if you can support the black lives matter movement in anyway, please do so. If you aren’t in America or are a minor you can check out this YouTube video that is around an hour long and it’s filled with ads. Those ads will give money to the person running it and they will donate all the money she makes from it to various helpful charities. It’s by Zoe Amira. This is an important movement because the police system in America was built on racism and if we don’t change it then there won’t be justice. You can’t fix a system that was made broken, you can only dismantle it and make a new one.
> 
> Anyway, that’s the last of my political rambling. I understand how stressful the modern world is so please don’t feel bad for taking breaks. Breaks are the only way we stay strong. I guess one final note is a bit of rambling on my own, but, did you know that new computers have the most horrifying startup menus?! Like, I’ve always thought that the blue screen with white letters was horrifying. But holy heck! I just turned on my laptop and way blasted by frantic beeping and a ton of windows. I thought I had a virus and immediately turned it off. I was horrified and told my friend what happened and they told me that IT WAS THE START UP MENU!! I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A TALK WITH WHOEVER THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA!! THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE A START UP MENU!! THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE NIGHTMARES!!! but yeah, when I showed it to someone in person my laptop turned in like normal. I’m just thinking that my laptop wanted to jump scare me.


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty much just Shiro talking to a psychiatrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually able to update in time this week! Also, I can’t believe how many people have clicked on this. Like, this is the only fic that has gotten over 100 let alone almost 200 hits. Wow, that’s amazing.

A day passed and Sam told him that he had to meet with a psychiatrist that day. At first he was confused but then decided to agree anyway. Even if he really did not want to meet with a psychiatrist. What would they even do?! In all honesty, all Shiro really knows about psychiatrists is that you go to them, explain what’s up, then they’ll give you a diagnosis and try to fix you. But haven’t they already established that he can’t be fixed? 

So Shiro waited. He hadn’t really been able to do much, the tablet ran out of battery yesterday and he didn’t know where the charger was, so he was left to his thoughts. Oddly enough, he hadn’t had any hallucinations while here. Strange. Did they give him some anti psychotics or something? But they didn’t tell him about it. And he did have a nightmare last night so he obviously didn’t go back to normal. Weird. 

Though soon it was finally time for him to meet with this psychiatrist. Then he got nervous. But that didn’t matter, he just has to get through it like always. 

A doctor lead him down some halls, he didn’t even try to figure out where he was, and they got to a room. Shiro momentarily wished he wasn’t given a tank top, it’s cold. 

The door to the room was metal and had a sign saying “Room 23”. Strange. The doctor opened the door and told him to stay there till someone comes. Strange. 

The room was a lot warmer than the rest of the med bay, it was also darker, the lights were soft and warm. Another contrast was how cozy everything seemed. When he’d picture a therapist’s room, he usually pictured one chair, a table, and one of those weird couches that they expect people to lay on. But this one was different. There was one arm chair, a couch, and a beanbag chair. There was also an end table with a notebook on it. Shiro decided to sit on the couch, he didn’t want to sit in the beanbag chair. There was a bookshelf next to it and there were some fidget toys in a bin in the top shelf. He decided to take one out and fidgeted with it to calm his nerves. It was one of those stretchy kinds. The book shelf also had a few books, including some book called DSM-5, interesting. 

So he continued waiting. Who even was this person? He hadn’t ever heard of any therapists at the Garrison. He also hadn’t even heard of this room before. Odd. Maybe he’ll ask someone about this later. 

Then the door opened. Shiro forced himself to not flinch. He didn’t know this person. They must be the psychiatrist. They were a tall woman with black hair and tannish skin. She was wearing a jacket (lucky) and jeans with boots. She walked in with a smile then sat at the arm chair across from the couch, there was a moment of silence, “Hello, I am Rylie, and what would you like me to call you?” She asked, crossing her legs. 

Shiro wasn’t entirely sure if liked her or not yet, “Um... my name is Takashi Shirogane, but my friends call me Shiro,” he explained. He noticed that he was fidgeting with the toy some more. He should probably put it away. 

But it’s also calming to do. 

The woman, Rylie, nodded, “Ok, so do you want me to call you Takashi or Shiro?” she asked.

“Idk, I guess Shiro is good,” he replied. He was mainly used to people he didn’t know calling him Shirogane but it seemed she didn’t want to do that. Strange. 

Rylie hummed, “Alright, Shiro,” she said, “Just to get things out of the way, I am a psychiatrist from Phlatt City, but I also work for the Galaxy Garrison. I get paid by the Garrison so you don’t have to worry about that. I see people for all sorts of reasons, sometimes just for a diagnosis, sometimes for therapy, other times for counseling. Iverson asked me to just see if I can find a diagnosis for you, but I can also help with therapy if you decide you want to go that route,” she explained. Why was she making so much eye contact with him? 

Shiro nodded, “Ok,” he said. He still wasn’t sure he trusted her. Why hadn’t he heard of this before? 

Rylie smiled, “Great. How about let’s begin this session. I’m ok going for as long as we need to get a diagnosis, even if that means splitting this up into multiple days,” she explained. Multiple days?! How long was this?

Shiro nodded again, “ok” he said, then quickly put the fidget toy back. 

Rylie frowned, “Why did you do that?” she asked, not really in an intrusive way, just in a curious way. 

Shiro shrugged, “I just didn’t know if I was allowed to use it or not” he explained, “use it” was that the right English. He wasn’t sure. 

“You can use them, that’s what they’re for after all,” she reassured him in a calming voice. Her voice was so soft and calm. Strange. 

Shiro nodded again, “Ok...” he decided he wasn’t going to touch them again. 

Rylie nodded again, “Ok. So, tell me, what’s been bugging you lately?” she asked, then grabbed her note book. 

Great, she’s going to write down everything I say and call me crazy, he thought. Well, then again, they already know he’s crazy so what’s new. Shiro looked away from her, why was she so intent on staring at him?

“Um... a lot I guess,” he said. There wasn’t really a single thing that was bugging him, well besides the hallucinations, it was more like everything all together.  
Rylie hummed, “Oh, what do you mean by that?” she asked, once again, her voice sounded actually curious. Weird. 

Shiro shifted in his spot, “Um, I guess what I mean, is just, everything,” he paused, “Like, I can’t sleep without being riddled with nightmares, I am always tired and exhausted... I keep hearing and seeing things that aren’t there and I don’t know why. And sometimes I’ll just be going about my day as normal and then something’ll happen and then...” his voice trailed off. No, he didn’t want to talk about those. He didn’t want to talk about being back there. No. 

“And then what?” Rylie asked, she had finished writing something down. Why was she being so nice to him? 

Shiro forced his breathing to slow. He had already started talking, he has to finish it, “and then... I’ll be back there,” he finished, ducking his head. 

Rylie hummed again, why does she keep doing that? “Back where?” she asked. He knew she was going to ask that, he wished he decided to pick up that fidget toy. 

Shiro rubbed his metal hand, “back... there... I guess,” he paused, “I guess now it’s... multiple places?... like... last year, I think, it used to only be... with the Galra... as a prisoner... you... know what happened.... but now,” he paused again and forced himself to continue, he has to, “But now... sometimes I’ll just... feel like I’m... th-... like I’m in the void again...” he explained. No, he can not cry. Not here. Not now. 

This time Rylie hummed while nodding, “Mmm, can you tell me about those places? I already know a bit about the Galra prisons... but I would like to here it in your own words,” she explained, then out down the notebook. Wasn’t that supposed to be a clipboard? 

Shiro let out a shaky breath, “Um... well...” he paused, “The Galra prison I was on... it was a ship... everything was purple... I don’t really remember too much though... I just remember...” he shook his head, “I remember... being forced to fight... as a gladiator... I didn’t want to... but if I refused then... they’d have killed me, “ they probably should have he told himself. 

“So... I fought... I...” he paused again, he really didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want to look at the psychiatrist, “I... had to kill.. people... for entertainment..” he paused again, “I wished I hadn’t done it... I wish I found some other way... they didn’t deserve...” to die. He let that last part go unsaid. 

“And my arm... I don’t remember what happened... but I know that the witch... Hegar... she... she made me an experiment... apparently it was some kind of award... I don’t know if... if she, “ he looked at his arm, “if she took my arm because it had been injured... or for her own experiment...” he explained. 

He heard Rylie hum, “So, when you are ‘back there’ where are you usually referring to when you go back to the prison?” she asked. 

Shiro’s chest felt tight, “I... um...” he shook his head again, “I guess... all of it? Sometimes... sometimes it’ll just be the cell... me starving... other times it’ll be in battle,” he explained, trying to be vague. How is therapy good? This doesn’t make him feel any better!

Rylie hummed, “I see... can you tell me about ‘the void’ as you put it?” she asked. 

Shiro forced himself to nod. This had to be over soon, “Yes... it... a few years ago... well... one for me... I think it’s... 4? For you? I’m not sure... time is... weird,” he said, then paused, “Well, at that time... we fought Zarcon... Emperor of the Galran Empire,” he explained. No he will not hide. 

“We knew that it was going to be risky... but we fought him anyway... I...” he shook his head, stay HERE Takashi, “We... were about to win... somehow... and just... Zarcon... he... attacked us... but we managed to land the final blow...” he breathed, “But... I... when we were doing our final attack... I got his Bayard... but... I... I was gone...”. 

Shiro shook his head again, “I always thought... that when I died... everything would be... everything would just... be gone? I guess... I thought that I’d never have to experience anything again... I’d just be... dead...” he explained, “But... black... she... she was somehow able to keep me alive... but in the consciousness of the black lion... I didn’t think it was possible... I mean... I was there before... I fought Zarcon there... but... I didn’t think it was possible to keep me alive there...” he explained. 

“... it was hell... I’d never ask for anyone to experience that... I... I couldn’t talk to anyone... I couldn’t do anything... I spent so much time just... just trying to keep my sanity... and not give up,” his voiced wavered, “I... I just... and I couldn’t call for help... I was stuck there... I didn’t know if anyone would find me again...” he explained, “But... they... they did... and I’m alive... somehow,” he said. Not that he was all too pleased to be alive. EspeciallY since it seemed he was useless now.

She was quiet. Why was she being quiet? 

Then she hummed, “It sounds like you’ve gone through a lot this past... I’ll just say decade,” she said. 

Shiro chuckled, “Yeah... I guess you can say that,” he said... to this day he can’t say which is worse, the prison or the void...

Rylie nodded, “Yeah... just know that what you did was very hard. What you’ve been doing has been very hard. Most people wouldn’t be able to do what you just did,” she explained. 

Shiro chuckled, “Yeah, survive, I know,” he said. 

But then he saw her shake her head, “No, I mean explain it all again. That is a very hard thing to do because you have to put yourself back into a traumatic experience,” she explained. 

Oh please, that wasn’t traumatic. 

Shiro shook his head, “Well... what other option did I have?” he asked. It wasn’t like he had a choice in any of this. 

“Well, you could have stayed quiet. Or you could have refused to tell me. But you chose to tell me, even if you didn’t think you did, and that takes a lot. You should be proud of that,” she told him. 

Shiro sighed, “Ok...” he wasn’t sure how else he could respond. 

“Ok,” she said, crossing her legs again, “How about let’s shift gears and talk about this form you filled out yesterday,” she suggested. 

Shiro nodded, “Ok,” he didn’t know she was given your form. 

She smiled and sat up again, “Ok, so... it seems like you scored pretty high in this, do you know what that means?” she asked. 

“Yeah, it means there’s something wrong with me,” he answered, that was the one thing he knew for sure. 

She shook her head, “No, that’s not what it means. It just means that you are showing a lot of symptoms for mental illnesses like depression or anxiety. I won’t make those your official diagnosis since the symptoms on here are pretty broad, “she said. 

Oh, so the nice way of saying there’s something wrong with him, got it, “ok,” he said. 

Rylie nodded, “So, can you tell me how long you’ve been experiencing these symptoms?” She asked. 

Shiro shifted in his seat, “Um... sure... I guess the part about me being tired... that’s pretty much been something I’ve always felt with, specifically past the age... I guess 12? I’m not too sure. Um... those hallucinations started when I was in the prison I think... I know it didn’t start out before then,” he said. 

Rylie nodded, “Ok... and how often have you had them? On the form you just needed to circle yes or no, but didn’t need to give a frequency,” she said.

Shiro nodded, “Um... yeah... I guess... maybe once a month? I’m not sure,” he said. 

Rylie nodded, “Ok, would you say it’s more or less than once a month?” she asked. 

Shiro hummed, “I guess... probably less?” he said. He never really counted them before, just remembered them as horrifying and confusing. 

“Ok... it says here that you haven’t been taking any drugs or drinking any alcohol so we don’t have to worry about that. So, how intense have they been?” Rylie asked. 

Shiro thought for a moment, “Um... I guess the first one I remember having was just some foot steps. Nothing much. And for a while that’s all they really were. Then I started seeing figures, but they usually wouldn’t last that long,” he explained, “I think the worst one I had was a month ago, probably a bit longer. I’m not really sure what happened there... but it was very real... very disorienting... but that was the most, and I guess in all fairness, that day I did get pretty drunk so...” his voice trailed off, he was honestly kind of surprised he remembered that, “the one yesterday was just voices again... but I was so scared that it would turn into a big one,” he explained. 

Rylie nodded, “Ok...” then wrote something down, “Say... how would you rank your stress levels from the past, I guess decade, from 1, not very stressed, to 10, so stressed that it’s hard to stand still or sleep,” she asked. 

Shiro chuckled, “11,” he answered immediately. 

Rylie tilted her head, “What do you mean by that?” she asked, then wrote something down in her notebook. 

Why did he make that joke? He shrugged uncomfortably, “I don’t know... what do you want me to say?” he asked, annoyed. 

“Well, I gave you a scale, 1 to 10, and you chose 11,” she said calmly, “so I’m just wondering what you meant by that,” she explained. 

Shiro shrugged again, “I guess I meant that... that these few years have been very stressful. I mean, this is probably the least I’ve been stressed out in a while and I don’t even find this particularly comfortable,” he explained. 

Rylie nodded, “I see,” then wrote something down again, “Ok... so, last thing. On your form you said that you’ve been experiencing suicidal thoughts... and from the number it seems quite frequently. Can you tell me about that?” she asked. 

Shiro’s blood ran cold. Why did he do that? He knew being honest on that wouldn’t come with no side effects. He noticed that he had started squeezing his metal hand. He shook his head, “I... I guess I just mean what I said,” he told her. 

She hummed, “How long do you think you’ve had these thoughts for?” she asked. 

Shiro stared at his hands, “... I’m not sure... I guess... probably for as long as I can remember...” he said honestly. Though he knew that he never would have done anything. But being sick definitely doesn’t help that...

Rylie frowned and hummed, “Ok... have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness before, like depression or anxiety?” she asked. 

Shiro sighed, “I don’t think so, but my doctor did put me on anti depressants when I was like 14 I think,” he explained. 

Rylie nodded, “Did those help at all?” she asked. 

He shook his head, “No, it mainly just made me more apathetic I guess so they took me off them,” he explained. 14 was definitely not a good year, but then again, who does look fondly on being 14?

Rylie hummed yet again, “But you weren’t diagnosed with anything or went to therapy?” she asked. 

Shiro shook his head again, “No, even with my mom being a doctor, it’s still Japan...” he told her, “it’s... hard to get help for that kind of stuff in Japan, and I wasn’t a hikikomori and had good grades so they didn’t really care,” he explained. 

Rylie frowned and nodded, “Do you really think they didn’t care or just didn’t know how to help?” she asked him.

Shiro shrugged, “I just don’t think they cared, well, maybe my mother and brother, but definitely not... everyone else,” he told her. 

Rylie nodded again, “ok, well, just so you know, the people here really do care about you,” she told him. 

Shiro nodded, “Yeah... I know that,” he told her. They probably care a bit too much to be honest. 

Rylie smiled, “Ok, I just wanted to be sure,” she said then wrote something down, “Ok, I think I can say at this point that you show a lot of symptoms for cPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder, it’s like PTSD but mainly shows with multiple traumatic events and has a few more symptoms. I think I can also say that you probably have clinical depression, it’s a form of depression that lasts for a long time, it seems like you’ve already learned to live it but there are things that can help it,” she explained. 

Shiro wasn’t sure how to take that, “Oh... ok... but what about those hallucinations?” he asked, that’s the main thing he wanted to know. 

Rylie clicked her pen, “Well, I don’t think I can write it down as something. I guess I can try to look into schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, but it doesn’t seem like you have a personality disorder, so it can’t be schizoaffective. I also don’t think you show enough signs for it to be schizophrenia itself,” she said. 

That confused him, “Wait, but isn’t schizophrenia just hallucinations?” Shiro asked, now that he thinks about it, there isn’t really much he know about this stuff. 

Rylie shook her head, “No, there are other symptoms, you only really fit one. I don’t think you’ve experienced any delusions or have disorganized thoughts,” she explained, “those are the three key symptoms and you need at least 2 to get diagnosed.”

It felt like a weight was lifted off his chest, was he not going insane? He nodded, “but what about the hallucinations,” he asked. 

Rylie hummed, “Well, I’m inclined to belief to those are from stress,” she explained, stress? “Hallucinations can be caused by outside factors as well, for instance, lack of sleep, drugs, severe fevers, and stress. If what you said about constantly having level 11 stress, and judging by your Marie Antoinette’s Syndrome I believe that,” she said. 

“Wait, my what syndrome?” He asked, Shiro had never heard about that before. 

“Your hair,” she elaborated, “Marie Antoinette’s Syndrome refers to the sudden loss of pigment in one’s hair due to extreme stress.”

Shiro nodded, “Oh... I didn’t know that,” he replied. While he did know that his hair was due to stress, he didn’t know it was because of a disorder or whatever a syndrome is. 

Rylie nodded, “Well, now you do. I quite honestly think the best treatment for you would be trying to lower your stress levels and therapy,” she told him, “it might be beneficial to try some anti depressants, but I don’t think I know enough about your medical history to know if that would be beneficial or not.”

That made him uncomfortable. Like, really uncomfortable. How would it even be possible to “decrease his stress” he was the captain of the Atlas, that is the definition of stressful. And, would therapy even do anything for him? Shiro sighed, “what would that look like?” he asked quietly. 

She paused, “Well, decreasing your stress would probably look like talking with your commanders and seeing how they can lessen your work load or lower your work hours,” she answered. 

“Oh, I don’t think we can do that,” he told her. Seriously, he’s the captain of the atlas, they can’t just let him work less. That’s irresponsible. 

Rylie stared at him curiously, “Why not? I’m certain that your coworkers would be ok taking on a little more work in order for you to have lower stress levels,” she told him. 

Shiro shook his head, “No, I can’t have anyone else do my work for me,” he told her. How did she not understand?

Rylie sighed and frowned, “I’m sorry but from a professional stand point, you need to lower your stress level. High stress levels can cause high blood pressure which can be deadly. It can also cause all other sorts of health problems and seems like it already had,” she paused, “is there a reason why you don’t want to lower your work load?” she asked. 

Her gaze felt like ice going into his soul. Of course he wouldn’t want to lower his workload, because someone else would have to do it and that’s not fair. That’s not right. Plus he’s the captain of the Atlas, he’s supposed to handle it. Who cares if he gets a little stressed from it, “Well, just because I’m the captain of the Atlas and I’m supposed to be able to handle it,” he explained. 

“Who said you needed to go through that much stress? Just because the mythical god Atlas is supposed to hold up the heavens doesn’t mean you have to do the same,” she told him, “and quite frankly, it’s concerning seeing a man so young have to go through this much stress. Haven’t you just turned 30?” she asked. 

Shiro shook his head, “No, time skip, I’m 27,” he corrected. Did she seriously call him young? 27 is not young. 

Rylie nodded, “27, thanks for the correction. But still. What you handle on a day to day basis is both incredible and unnecessary. You don’t need to have this much stress all the time, and it’s not like the Garrison can’t just hire more workers to help,” she said. 

That... did make sense. Not to mention the unemployment situation at the moment, surely there’d be people willing to work... “I guess you have a point,” he agreed. 

She smiled, “so, are you willing to try?” she asked. 

Shiro sighed, “Alright....” he agreed. It’s not like he has much else to lose. 

“Great. I’ll talk with the others and come up with a solution that should both lower your stress levels but also keep you busy,” he told him. 

Shiro nodded, “Ok,” he responded. 

She put her notebook to the side, “Ok, two more things I want to go over in this session. Firstly, can you tell me about your friends or family? Like, people you can talk to if you needed to?” Rylie asked. 

Shiro shrugged, “... I guess maybe Coran?” he said, even then he wouldn’t really think to go to him. In all honesty he isn’t really sure he’d even want to talk with anyone. 

Rylie hummed, “Earlier you told me about your mother and your brother, can you tell me about them?” she asked. 

He sighed again, “I mean... it’s... complicated... my mother didn’t want me to go on the Kerberos mission due to my disease and my brother... I just try not to worry him, you know?” Shiro explained.

Rylie nodded, “Yeah I understand.... have you tried to talk with them at all since you’ve come back at least?” she asked. 

Shiro stared at his hands and shook his head, “No....” he answered. It was the truth. 

Rylie nodded, “I see... you know, with my patients I will sometimes give them something to do. They don’t have to do it, but it might be something that could be beneficial for them,” she explained. 

Shiro nodded, “Ok,” he wasn’t sure what she was implying. 

“So I was wondering if you would like to try something. How would you feel about that?” she asked, holding her notebook. 

Shiro tilted his head, “Depends, what’s the thing?” She already wants him to work less and he apparently doesn’t have a choice on that. 

Rylie smiled, “I want you to try and talk to your family or friends some more. Reach out and make stronger connections. Or even try to make a new friend, you can decide what you want to do,” she told him. 

Shiro paused, and rubbed his hands, “... sure... I’ll try that,” he answered. He wasn’t sure who he’d talk to or how, but he probably doesn’t have a choice anyway. 

Rylie wrote something down, “Great. Ok, last thing. The entire session I’ve been taking notes and I wanted to quickly review them with you to see if they seem right,” she told him. 

Wait, he was allowed to see those notes? Shiro nodded, “Ok,” he answered. 

Rylie smiled again, “great,” she said, then showed him her notes. 

They were...

Actually right? They were just small notes of the things he had talked about and even had quotes around certain words. That relieved his nerves a bit. They weren’t insulting or anything. Definitely not what he was expecting. 

“So, do those seem correct?” Rylie asked, crossing her legs. 

Shiro nodded, “Oh, yeah. Definitely,” he told her. 

Rylie smiled, “Great. Alright, it seems like this was about an hour, definitely shorter than I expected,” she paused, “well, it was great to meet you, Shiro, I’ll be talking with Iverson and the others soon. Have a great rest of your day,” she told him with a smile. 

Shiro nodded, “Thanks, it was nice to meet you as well,” he told her. Rylie actually didn’t seem that bad. Strange. 

So Shiro was lead back into his room, apparently it would take a while for them to determine if he should be released or not. Shiro hoped they’d decide to release him. 

It was strange. After all of that, he expected to feel awful. But he didn’t? If anything he felt a bit lighter. It was nice to know he wasn’t insane. Though he wasn’t looking forward to seeing how they decide to “lower his stress”. But maybe, just maybe, he was going to be able to get better. That thought gave him a sense of hope that he hasn’t had in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed this, it was oddly therapeutic to write. This is sort of based on my own experiences but I have never been diagnosed formally with anything so that might be a bit wrong. I’m not sure. I think this fic is almost done, maybe a few more chapters. Thanks for the few who have been reading this so far.
> 
> Also:  
> Therapist: you seem really stressed, you should try and work less  
> Shiro: no  
> Therapist: Working less is possible and-  
> Shiro: no  
> Therapist: *inhale* no one should be as stressed as you are for as long as you have been. Please work less or you could literally *die*  
> Shiro:.... fine...


End file.
